Progress Report

           Life gets busy. We may have grand ideas on how we're going to change the world, who we're going to be, etc. But then the day to day sets in, and we wonder, "Am I really doing anything?" We feel like we're just trying to catch up with yesterday, keep up with today, and get ready for tomorrow. Can you relate?

           That has been me lately. It will be Monday night again, and I know I'm supposed to blog tomorrow, but I have nothing to say. I try to think back on the last few weeks, and how I've made my difference, but I come up empty. All I can remember is the crazy schedule I've kept, what's coming next, and how I haven't had the time to concentrate on making a difference. I feel like I've failed.

         So, today I am going back to my original challenge, and checking in on my goal to make a difference. I've listed out each of my original objectives to mark my progress. Here goes nothing:

1) Stop constantly lamenting my single status and my age. Still working on that one, but I am trying. Most days it is my age I struggle with, in light of my single status. I am peace with being single, or with aging, but not with both together.

2) Do whatever God tells me to do. In thinking back on this, I remember an event that took place last winter, right around the time I started this project. For a while, I had felt like God was telling me to introduce a certain acquaintance to some of my church friends. I went back and forth about it. I was unsure of the wisdom of inviting this acquaintance to a church gathering, and wondered about it being awkward, etc. I had this gut feeling that this group of church people would love this other person, and they'd all get along, but I still waffled. This had been going on for months, since late summer. Then in February, just before my birthday (and the slated start of my Difference project), I was organizing a get together with that group of church friends. I warred with myself and God about inviting this person, but finally as a last minute impulse invited her, and she said she'd come. I was nervous, but God showed up, big time, and it ended up being such an awesome thing for all of us. God knew she would benefit from their friendship, and vice versa, and He had a plan in place all along (of course). And I love that I have gotten closer to this once-acquaintance and watched her grow in her relationship with Him. He is so good. I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't fought him for 6 months before issuing the invite.

3) Go wherever He sends me. Check, I think. It's always so hard to know, but I did feel a leading this summer to leave my day job and return to substitute teaching. After much prayer, I made that transition, and hope that I can bring Him glory each day in a new class.

4) Strive to constantly grow closer to Him. "Strive" is such a tricky word. It's hard to measure, calculate, or take a picture of. I often feel like I am getting nowhere and then I feel defeated. But then I go back and read my journals and blogs, and realize I have grown. So that feeling of longing for more is a good thing, I guess. I suppose it means I AM striving, even when it doesn't feel like it, or I can't see it.

5) Tell everyone I can how awesome He is. I need to work on this one. I am often too quick to take credit for things He does, especially "smaller" things. And while I am not as shy as I used to be, I am not quite bold enough to go shouting, "Woo!! Go Jesus!" or proclaiming His name loudly like some very dear people I know. That just isn't my personality. So I'm looking for my balance, I guess: my way to tell everyone how great God is, while still being me.

So if I were getting a grade on my efforts so far, I guess I'd get about a B minus, maybe a C plus. Not bad, but definitely room for improvement. In looking back over my initial blog, I found these words, "And I very well may fail." So, even though I cannot and do not consider this endeavor a failure, it is ok that I have not change the world yet. It is ok that I am not perfect. I am making progress, and I think that is all right.

Attitude Adjustment

       It had been a long week, starting with too little sleep and not feeling well on Sunday, followed by a full week of subbing and dance. Then it was topped off by oversleeping Thursday and a minor traffic incident, which left my shoulder a little sore, a malady that was not helped by teaching tumbling Thursday afternoon (Just one more back tuck? Please??) And Friday after school I had a hair appointment, which meant I was getting home a lot later than normal for a Friday. So I was less than pleased to get the text that my sister had ended her day early, was already home and didn't feel like getting out to a Redbox for the movie we had planned to watch that night. Could I please stop at one? She had been in a fender bender Thursday and didn't feel good. 

        I'm not proud of it, but I had a fairly lousy attitude about it. "I don't wanna!" I fussed at my text messages. "I am tired of working all the time and still having to do everything for everyone," I grumbled. "I'm gonna say 'no.' There's no law that says I have to." Then a little voice whispered in my ear, "What about making a difference? You said you were going to do whatever was needed." Annoying conscience. "Fine!" I responded, "I'll go, but I don't have to like it." 

        With that lovely attitude, I headed to the gas station with the video rental box, and waited my turn. When I finally got up to, they were out of the movie we wanted. "Really? Are you kidding me?" So I slid over to the other box to look it up. It's got it on BluRay but not DVD. Great. Just then, a man turns away from the first machine. He had come up while I was searching for the disc on the 2nd machine. "Were you looking for something specific?" he asks me. Still a little annoyed with the world, but not wanting to make it apparent, I responded, "Maybe Iron Man." He smiles and says, "That's what I just returned." And he walked off. 
         And I was convicted. I had the worst attitude, felt kicked by the world , and was generally in a bad mood. But God chose that moment to remind me that I am important to Him. That He loves me, even when I am a grump, and that He can turn around a day in an instant. I realize all this is very small, and not earth-shattering at all, but it was the reminder I needed right then. God loves me, and wants me to be happy and joyful so I can share His love with the world. He wants me to get over it, and live in a way that is more about Him than me. 

         I know this seems a little more "Martha"-y, but I feel that it belongs here in The Difference. And here is why: you can't make a (positive) difference in the world if you have a bad attitude or are acting like you are most important in the world. I need to look beyond myself, and do more random and intentional good, with a good attitude!! That man didn't have to engage me; he could have returned the disc and walked away. And I would have grumbled to my car, come home, complained to my sister, and probably been unkind about it. (Because that is where the night was heading.) Instead, I got the movie I wanted, felt noticed in the world, and came home much more cheerful, and immediately sat down to blog about it. I wonder if he meant to make a difference in my day, or if he just did it. Either way, I am glad God sent him to make me realize what I was doing. Thanks God. I needed that reminder tonight. :)

All the difference in the world

This blog is supposed to be about my journey through these 3 1/2 years and what I learn, how I grow, and how I strive to make a difference in this world. But this time, I want to write about someone who made a difference in my world. In a way, she opened the door for both of these blogs, because she helped change my thinking, whether she realizes it or not. 

             

          It was May, 2010. We had just concluded Preschool Graduation at the Mother's Day Out I taught at, and were celebrating with a cookout luncheon. Everyone had eaten, and I sat chatting with the mom of one of my students. Like most teachers and parents, our conversations had often been about her child and his progress. But that afternoon, w got to talking about ourselves. I don't even know how, but we got on the topic of me, specifically, and my singleness, a status I was beginning to be annoyed with. During our surprising heart to heart, she said these words, which I will never forget: "Maybe you need to make Jesus your boyfriend." I had never thought about it that way, but I liked the way it sounded. Over the next couple years, I began to truly fall in love with Jesus. I had loved and followed him for years, but I fell in love with him again. 

         After talking to her for quite a while, I went home feeling encouraged. At that point, her family was planning to move within a few months, and I had resigned at the MDO, so I thought I would never see her again. That made me sad - I had a new friend, that wasn't going to be around. But I still thanked God for her and for that conversation, and I knew that he had placed her there at that time to speak those words of encouragement that I needed to hear. Thankfully, she did not move, and I continue to be blessed by her friendship. At times we seem like an unlikely pair, but I know God placed her in my life at just the right time, and I am so glad! We've since talked about that day, and she has told me that she isn't exactly sure why she said what she said. But I know why: she was listening and open when God prompted her to say what I needed to hear. I only hope I can be that attentive and obedient and make a difference in someone's life in the same way. 

Sound Investments

I got back last weekend from an amazing week at Bible Camp. It honestly is the highlight of my year, for so many reasons. The biggest reason is, surrounded by friends and church family, we get to watch God at work. I know we always have that opportunity, but at camp it is easier to focus on it, I think, or maybe we are just more attuned to Him. I don’t know, but I do know that I always come away feeling that if the campers learned only half as much as I did, then they had to have grown in big ways.

            While I was gone, my email inbox filled up with a week’s worth of emailed devotionals that I am signed up for. I decided to catch up this morning, and start reading the ones I missed last week when I didn’t have internet access or cell signal at camp. The first one, from last Monday, was about friendship, which immediately caught my attention.

            For years I felt guilty walking around with the last name “Friend” because I didn’t feel like I was a good enough friend to claim the name. I never had many close friends my age, I can be fairly quiet, and I live a crazy schedule. As I have grown older and (hopefully) wiser, I realize there is more to being a friend than liking to talk or being the same age as someone. Of my friends who know me best, maybe 2 of them are within 3 years of me (and one of those is my sister). Does that make us less of friends? Absolutely not.

            So, back to the emailed devo. It closed with some challenges including: Make a specific plan this week to invest in the life of a friend.  That one is my favorite because I love how God works! On Monday that challenge hit my inbox (though I didn’t read it for another week), and then on Thursday this happens: We were gathered up by cabin/class, so my cabin was combined with another, and we sat around a campfire. Our mission was to go around the circle and every person was to say something positive about every other person in the circle. It was so cool and encouraging to hear what people saw in each other, and yes, there were a fair amount of tears shed as we got emotionally vulnerable with each other. Even the counselors had to take a turn, so I got to listen as these precious teen girls and two other adults said nice things about me. I wrote down most of what was said and will treasure those words always, but one that has resounded in my heart is, “you invest in people.” Over the next couple days, I had a few other people tell me that same thing. I doubt they have any idea how much those words mean to me, a former painfully-shy kid who still has trouble opening up quickly to people.

The whole point of this blog is to talk about changing the world by living like Jesus. And that is exactly what these people did with their sweet encouraging words to me. I don’t feel guilty anymore about claiming the name Friend, even though I may not always feel like the best friend out there with my busy lifestyle. I know now that friends come in all shapes and sizes. The important part is that you love them, and live life with them. Even if it feels like it takes an act of Congress to get together and hang out.  Because when we invest, we get something beautiful out of it. And sometimes what we get back is better than what we put in. Because God is good. All the time. 

The problem

The problem with making a difference is trying to document it. The tricky thing about difference-making is you often don't know you've made a difference until long after the fact, if you ever know. All we can do is try. Try to make a difference by doing the right thing, going above and beyond, loving the people in our path, and obeying when we are told "Go." I believe the difference will come, but we may not ever know the difference we make in someone's life, or the world in general.

We just finished recital. I love this time of year because it is very easy to see the difference a year makes. The child who cried and wouldn't go onstage last year skips proudly onto the stage this year.The student who didn't know their dances last year or couldn't turn, etc.... has worked their tail off in the last 12 months, and now looks fantastic! But, perhaps my favorite thing to watch is the moms. Every year, we choose a few students to recognize. It is always a surprise, both to the student and the parent. They send their child backstage to "help" with something or other, clueless that their child is going to be called onstage and presented with an award. After the show, they come to pick the kid up from us, usually with tears in their eyes. They always thank us for the kind words said about their child, and for honoring them, but I always turn around and thank them for raising such a good kid, and for sharing their kid with us. It makes a difference to those moms that someone notices and cares that their child works hard and is a good student. And it makes a difference to me that they  are raising such a respectful, hard-working child. I love teaching the kids who work hard and want to learn, no matter if they are a natural talent or not. Kindness, respect, hard work, and caring make a difference in the world.

So I guess my point for the week is this: if we go around doing our best, being kind, and loving on people (because Jesus loved us and commands us to, and because it's fun!), we will ultimately make a big difference in the world. Because if we make a difference to just one person, it's a big deal. Stop being modest and arguing with me. You know I'm right. :)

The Busy Times

The last couple weeks I have been faced with a challenge: how to make a difference when you are too busy to think? I know the next 3 weeks will only be worse, as we near Concert Week at dance. 

I imagine I will have the opportunity to meet myself coming and going, as they say, but I am determined not to squelch on my deal to make a difference. It can be done, even in the busy times, I am sure. 

So, how? 

Well, I can't change the things I have to do, so I guess I should change the way I do them. Instead of grumbling as I paint a prop, measure ribbon, or sew straps, I can be cheerful. "God loves a cheerful giver." I believe this applies to anything you give, not just money. So, it means give my time and energy cheerfully. It might not make a huge difference in the world, but it will make a difference in my attitude. I think it will also make a difference to the child whose costume I am fixing. If in this one small way, I make them feel prettier, more loved, more worthy, or more confident, then it is worth it. 

So, today, I am going to make a small difference. I think the big difference will come. 

I Don't Wanna

Sometimes it is fairly easy to do the right thing and obey the voice inside. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is downright scary. I recently opened up at a girls retreat and admitted something that I had only admitted to myself not 24 hrs earlier. I hadn't even told my closest friends, though I suspect they knew without being told. I had been holding on to some deep seated fear and insecurities without realizing it, and allowing Satan to get in my head. As part of my talk, I planned to say that I had been giving into some fears recently, but I never in a million years planned on sharing the deeper fears I had just discovered. Some things hit too close to home to share! And I am one who tends to hold on to the most personal things and not share willingly.  Mom always said she could tell if something was really important or bothering me, because I wouldn't talk about it. But as I started talking about my assigned topic, I felt this nudge that said, "Keep going. Tell them the other part." And I did. And it was terrifying. But once it was out there, I felt this unreal peace cover me. This calm that said, "They won't judge you. It's ok." A couple of them even came up to me and thanked for talking about it. They said it made them feel better to know other people struggled with that fear and insecurity.
So, while I have failed many times in this challenge, and I will do many more things wrong, because that's life,  at least today I am comforted. I listened to the voice, and it felt right. I hope we can all do more of that. I know it pleases Him when we obey. Even when (or maybe especially when) we don't wanna.