Life gets busy. We may have grand ideas on how we're going to change the world, who we're going to be, etc. But then the day to day sets in, and we wonder, "Am I really doing anything?" We feel like we're just trying to catch up with yesterday, keep up with today, and get ready for tomorrow. Can you relate?
That has been me lately. It will be Monday night again, and I know I'm supposed to blog tomorrow, but I have nothing to say. I try to think back on the last few weeks, and how I've made my difference, but I come up empty. All I can remember is the crazy schedule I've kept, what's coming next, and how I haven't had the time to concentrate on making a difference. I feel like I've failed.
So, today I am going back to my original challenge, and checking in on my goal to make a difference. I've listed out each of my original objectives to mark my progress. Here goes nothing:
1) Stop constantly lamenting my single status and my age. Still working on that one, but I am trying. Most days it is my age I struggle with, in light of my single status. I am peace with being single, or with aging, but not with both together.
2) Do whatever God tells me to do. In thinking back on this, I remember an event that took place last winter, right around the time I started this project. For a while, I had felt like God was telling me to introduce a certain acquaintance to some of my church friends. I went back and forth about it. I was unsure of the wisdom of inviting this acquaintance to a church gathering, and wondered about it being awkward, etc. I had this gut feeling that this group of church people would love this other person, and they'd all get along, but I still waffled. This had been going on for months, since late summer. Then in February, just before my birthday (and the slated start of my Difference project), I was organizing a get together with that group of church friends. I warred with myself and God about inviting this person, but finally as a last minute impulse invited her, and she said she'd come. I was nervous, but God showed up, big time, and it ended up being such an awesome thing for all of us. God knew she would benefit from their friendship, and vice versa, and He had a plan in place all along (of course). And I love that I have gotten closer to this once-acquaintance and watched her grow in her relationship with Him. He is so good. I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't fought him for 6 months before issuing the invite.
3) Go wherever He sends me. Check, I think. It's always so hard to know, but I did feel a leading this summer to leave my day job and return to substitute teaching. After much prayer, I made that transition, and hope that I can bring Him glory each day in a new class.
4) Strive to constantly grow closer to Him. "Strive" is such a tricky word. It's hard to measure, calculate, or take a picture of. I often feel like I am getting nowhere and then I feel defeated. But then I go back and read my journals and blogs, and realize I have grown. So that feeling of longing for more is a good thing, I guess. I suppose it means I AM striving, even when it doesn't feel like it, or I can't see it.
5) Tell everyone I can how awesome He is. I need to work on this one. I am often too quick to take credit for things He does, especially "smaller" things. And while I am not as shy as I used to be, I am not quite bold enough to go shouting, "Woo!! Go Jesus!" or proclaiming His name loudly like some very dear people I know. That just isn't my personality. So I'm looking for my balance, I guess: my way to tell everyone how great God is, while still being me.
So if I were getting a grade on my efforts so far, I guess I'd get about a B minus, maybe a C plus. Not bad, but definitely room for improvement. In looking back over my initial blog, I found these words, "And I very well may fail." So, even though I cannot and do not consider this endeavor a failure, it is ok that I have not change the world yet. It is ok that I am not perfect. I am making progress, and I think that is all right.
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