Out of the mouths of babes

April 24, 2014

A couple years ago, I had a sweet encounter with a 4 yr old. I was subbing in Pre K in a public school. While waiting for dismissal, I was standing with a group of kids. One little girl randomly looked up at me, pointed and said, “You, Jesus?” Confused, I just did an awkward, “Huh?” and she clarified, pointed to my cross necklace. “Jesus,” she said again, and added, “Me, Allah.” Ah, now I got her meaning. She was asking if I was a Christian, a Jesus-follower. I’m always very careful in schools. I definitely don’t want to deny Jesus, but I also don’t want to break the law and be blacklisted in the public school system. So I usually try to defect the questions about my beliefs, just like I do ones about my age or marital status. But this little sweetie was persistent. And cute. So I simply responded, “Yes,” (I think).

                

I believe the way the law reads, teachers cannot teach or preach their religious beliefs, but can answer direct questions. I know most Christian teachers try to “live” Jesus and not talk about it at school. And I know of some who usually turn the question around on the kid, and ask what they believe. I usually try to change the subject, personally, or ask, “What do you think?” or something similar. But I do wear my cross necklace every day. It was one of the last things my grandfather gave me, a graduation present, and it is precious to me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s wise or even allowed. But I do it anyway. A lot of times if a kid is staring at it, I’ll casually tuck it under my shirt, to discourage conversation about it. But when asked a direct question, if I can’t deflect, I’ll answer it. So fast forward 3 years or so. Now I’m subbing in Pre K again, but this time her little sister is in the class. I spoke briefly to their mom, and later found out that the mom’s mother was sick. Cancer, and it is pretty bad. The teacher was surprised that the mom was here and not up North with her mother. The teacher, who is a believer, then asked me to pray for the mom.

               

Immediately, I was reminded of my necklace-inspired conversation with the older sister. I wondered, “Should I pray for her? She doesn’t believe in ‘my’ God?” Then I felt like an idiot. Of course I should pray for her. It doesn’t matter what she believes; it only matters what I believe and know.

“So, God, please be with (the mom). Please comfort her during mom’s illness. Please send your people to provide her and her family’s needs, extend your love, and be there for her. Lord, please send people to speak your truth to her, and to answer the questions, and make you famous. To You be the glory. Amen”

So did I make a difference this time? I don’t know. I just that I did all I knew to do. The rest is up to God. Of course, it already was.

Twenty Year Check Up

June 30, 2014

Twenty years ago yesterday, I answered God’s call to begin a big adventure with Him. Eleven years ago, I went all in, renewing my commitment. It’s hard to pinpoint my growth and how He changed me in those first 9 years, but the last 11? Oh yeah, I can see it! Of course, I’m not done growing and changing, but I believe I am becoming more of the woman He wants me to be. I’m still entirely too hard on my myself, second-guess most of my decisions, and often ask other people’s opinions before God’s. But I’m working on those things, and I have noticed a lot of growth. I am more patient, I think of others more, and I step out of my comfort zone more than used to. I know some of that comes with growing up and getting older, but I know a lot of it is God at work in me.

               
I am so humbled that He uses me to touch lives. I love when I get to see and experience His love at work through me. A lot of the time, we never see the results of the love we show and the work we do for Him. So it is an unexpected blessing to see the way lives are touched. During a teen mission trip recently I got to hear from some very sweet teenagers that they love and appreciate me, and my favorite part was when one said she sees Jesus in me. I was a puddle. That’s what I always strive to be, but most days I feel like just a bossy task-oriented person. So it melted my heart to hear that. And even better than that, I am floored when God speaks through the people I am trying to reach to encourage me. I’ll probably write more about this in another blog entry later, because it was really cool. But several things happened on this teen trip where I got to see teenagers encourage and uplift me, when I was there to serve them. I truly felt the hand of God in those moments, and it was so cool.

                So, I got some validation that I maybe am actually making a difference after all. It was nice, but I know it won’t always be this way. More often than not, I won’t know if the words I say and things I do actually change the way people act, think, or see God. But I’ll keep doing them. Because He wants me to, and I want to do what He wants. At the end of the day, as long as He is glorified, it was  a good day. And as long as the sun comes up, He will be. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Be blessed this week!

Perspective

February 26, 2014

         Recently, I heard a great illustration. The speaker talked about looking at the back of a beautiful old tapestry, and only seeing a mess. The problem, he said, was that we was looking at the wrong side. In order to see it clearly, he had to get a different perspective.
 
          I think this difference-making business is like that. It's nearly impossible to tell if you're making a difference when you're doing it. It's only later, after time has passed, and you are removed from the situation, that you can see what difference was made. Sometimes the simplest comment or conversation can make the biggest difference at all. I've mentioned a conversation from years ago with a now-friend that made all the difference in how I viewed my relationship with Jesus, and how I dealt with being single in my mid- to late-twenties. She had no clue how important that conversation would be to me. She just knew the Spirit had put it on her heart to say those things.

        So as I try to document my quest to make a difference, I struggle to know what to write. Do I include the conversation with the cashier at the grocery store? The car I let cut in front of me in traffic? How do I know what made a difference? I can't. At least not right now. All I can do is live my life in a way that glorifies God, and know that He will make all the difference in the world around me.

Taking the Hard Way Out

       So often, when I think about following where the Lord leads, I think of all the things I don't want to do that He could ask of me. And He often will direct me to do things I don't want to do.Be kind to that person who makes me crazy, be patient with people I want to scream at, listen when I'd rather talk. My nature is unlike His nature. My nature wants me to be happy and comfortable, and while He doesn't necessarily want me to be unhappy or uncomfortable, He has a much larger plan at work. He wants the whole world. He wants everyone to know and love and follow Him so we can live with Him forever. I am small scale; He is large-scale. As a result, our two agendas don't always match up. And since His plan is larger, it often involves me changing my plans, and going directions I didn't intend.

       But I think I often look at that tendency, and think, "If I want it or it sounds good to me, it must not be His plan at all." And I warp my thinking around and do what sounds the least fun. Because if it is opposite of what I would normally want, it must be His leading, right? Wrong. Once again, I took over. The whole point behind following Jesus is that He drives, not me. But I tend to grab the keys, say "scoot over, I've got this!" and go where I think He wants me to go, instead of actually listening to His voice.

       He's got great plans for me (and you)! I know He does, because He tells us so. (Jeremiah 29:11) But more than just the plans He's got in store for us, He has a great ride planned. The journey isn't easy, but He is right there with us. Think about: a life long road trip with Jesus! Great conversations, great scenery, and all in the Presence of the King. But we miss out on that when we act like we're in charge. My point is this: taking the hard way out is not always the right way to go. Just  like taking the easy way out is not the way to go. The right path is the one He directs us to: the path of Life. Like He said, He is the "Way, the Truth, and the Life." (John 14:6) That's a pretty great package if you ask me. It's not up to me to choose the easy or hard way because I want to. It's up to me to listen and follow where He leads me. Sometimes the path will be easy, and sometimes the living will be hard. But it's all worth it. And we're NEVER alone, because HE is right there with us. All we have to do is scoot over, let Him drive, and hold on tight. Because I guarantee you this: it won't be boring when you're riding with Jesus.
       

Progress Report

           Life gets busy. We may have grand ideas on how we're going to change the world, who we're going to be, etc. But then the day to day sets in, and we wonder, "Am I really doing anything?" We feel like we're just trying to catch up with yesterday, keep up with today, and get ready for tomorrow. Can you relate?

           That has been me lately. It will be Monday night again, and I know I'm supposed to blog tomorrow, but I have nothing to say. I try to think back on the last few weeks, and how I've made my difference, but I come up empty. All I can remember is the crazy schedule I've kept, what's coming next, and how I haven't had the time to concentrate on making a difference. I feel like I've failed.

         So, today I am going back to my original challenge, and checking in on my goal to make a difference. I've listed out each of my original objectives to mark my progress. Here goes nothing:

1) Stop constantly lamenting my single status and my age. Still working on that one, but I am trying. Most days it is my age I struggle with, in light of my single status. I am peace with being single, or with aging, but not with both together.

2) Do whatever God tells me to do. In thinking back on this, I remember an event that took place last winter, right around the time I started this project. For a while, I had felt like God was telling me to introduce a certain acquaintance to some of my church friends. I went back and forth about it. I was unsure of the wisdom of inviting this acquaintance to a church gathering, and wondered about it being awkward, etc. I had this gut feeling that this group of church people would love this other person, and they'd all get along, but I still waffled. This had been going on for months, since late summer. Then in February, just before my birthday (and the slated start of my Difference project), I was organizing a get together with that group of church friends. I warred with myself and God about inviting this person, but finally as a last minute impulse invited her, and she said she'd come. I was nervous, but God showed up, big time, and it ended up being such an awesome thing for all of us. God knew she would benefit from their friendship, and vice versa, and He had a plan in place all along (of course). And I love that I have gotten closer to this once-acquaintance and watched her grow in her relationship with Him. He is so good. I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't fought him for 6 months before issuing the invite.

3) Go wherever He sends me. Check, I think. It's always so hard to know, but I did feel a leading this summer to leave my day job and return to substitute teaching. After much prayer, I made that transition, and hope that I can bring Him glory each day in a new class.

4) Strive to constantly grow closer to Him. "Strive" is such a tricky word. It's hard to measure, calculate, or take a picture of. I often feel like I am getting nowhere and then I feel defeated. But then I go back and read my journals and blogs, and realize I have grown. So that feeling of longing for more is a good thing, I guess. I suppose it means I AM striving, even when it doesn't feel like it, or I can't see it.

5) Tell everyone I can how awesome He is. I need to work on this one. I am often too quick to take credit for things He does, especially "smaller" things. And while I am not as shy as I used to be, I am not quite bold enough to go shouting, "Woo!! Go Jesus!" or proclaiming His name loudly like some very dear people I know. That just isn't my personality. So I'm looking for my balance, I guess: my way to tell everyone how great God is, while still being me.

So if I were getting a grade on my efforts so far, I guess I'd get about a B minus, maybe a C plus. Not bad, but definitely room for improvement. In looking back over my initial blog, I found these words, "And I very well may fail." So, even though I cannot and do not consider this endeavor a failure, it is ok that I have not change the world yet. It is ok that I am not perfect. I am making progress, and I think that is all right.

Attitude Adjustment

       It had been a long week, starting with too little sleep and not feeling well on Sunday, followed by a full week of subbing and dance. Then it was topped off by oversleeping Thursday and a minor traffic incident, which left my shoulder a little sore, a malady that was not helped by teaching tumbling Thursday afternoon (Just one more back tuck? Please??) And Friday after school I had a hair appointment, which meant I was getting home a lot later than normal for a Friday. So I was less than pleased to get the text that my sister had ended her day early, was already home and didn't feel like getting out to a Redbox for the movie we had planned to watch that night. Could I please stop at one? She had been in a fender bender Thursday and didn't feel good. 

        I'm not proud of it, but I had a fairly lousy attitude about it. "I don't wanna!" I fussed at my text messages. "I am tired of working all the time and still having to do everything for everyone," I grumbled. "I'm gonna say 'no.' There's no law that says I have to." Then a little voice whispered in my ear, "What about making a difference? You said you were going to do whatever was needed." Annoying conscience. "Fine!" I responded, "I'll go, but I don't have to like it." 

        With that lovely attitude, I headed to the gas station with the video rental box, and waited my turn. When I finally got up to, they were out of the movie we wanted. "Really? Are you kidding me?" So I slid over to the other box to look it up. It's got it on BluRay but not DVD. Great. Just then, a man turns away from the first machine. He had come up while I was searching for the disc on the 2nd machine. "Were you looking for something specific?" he asks me. Still a little annoyed with the world, but not wanting to make it apparent, I responded, "Maybe Iron Man." He smiles and says, "That's what I just returned." And he walked off. 
         And I was convicted. I had the worst attitude, felt kicked by the world , and was generally in a bad mood. But God chose that moment to remind me that I am important to Him. That He loves me, even when I am a grump, and that He can turn around a day in an instant. I realize all this is very small, and not earth-shattering at all, but it was the reminder I needed right then. God loves me, and wants me to be happy and joyful so I can share His love with the world. He wants me to get over it, and live in a way that is more about Him than me. 

         I know this seems a little more "Martha"-y, but I feel that it belongs here in The Difference. And here is why: you can't make a (positive) difference in the world if you have a bad attitude or are acting like you are most important in the world. I need to look beyond myself, and do more random and intentional good, with a good attitude!! That man didn't have to engage me; he could have returned the disc and walked away. And I would have grumbled to my car, come home, complained to my sister, and probably been unkind about it. (Because that is where the night was heading.) Instead, I got the movie I wanted, felt noticed in the world, and came home much more cheerful, and immediately sat down to blog about it. I wonder if he meant to make a difference in my day, or if he just did it. Either way, I am glad God sent him to make me realize what I was doing. Thanks God. I needed that reminder tonight. :)

All the difference in the world

This blog is supposed to be about my journey through these 3 1/2 years and what I learn, how I grow, and how I strive to make a difference in this world. But this time, I want to write about someone who made a difference in my world. In a way, she opened the door for both of these blogs, because she helped change my thinking, whether she realizes it or not. 

             

          It was May, 2010. We had just concluded Preschool Graduation at the Mother's Day Out I taught at, and were celebrating with a cookout luncheon. Everyone had eaten, and I sat chatting with the mom of one of my students. Like most teachers and parents, our conversations had often been about her child and his progress. But that afternoon, w got to talking about ourselves. I don't even know how, but we got on the topic of me, specifically, and my singleness, a status I was beginning to be annoyed with. During our surprising heart to heart, she said these words, which I will never forget: "Maybe you need to make Jesus your boyfriend." I had never thought about it that way, but I liked the way it sounded. Over the next couple years, I began to truly fall in love with Jesus. I had loved and followed him for years, but I fell in love with him again. 

         After talking to her for quite a while, I went home feeling encouraged. At that point, her family was planning to move within a few months, and I had resigned at the MDO, so I thought I would never see her again. That made me sad - I had a new friend, that wasn't going to be around. But I still thanked God for her and for that conversation, and I knew that he had placed her there at that time to speak those words of encouragement that I needed to hear. Thankfully, she did not move, and I continue to be blessed by her friendship. At times we seem like an unlikely pair, but I know God placed her in my life at just the right time, and I am so glad! We've since talked about that day, and she has told me that she isn't exactly sure why she said what she said. But I know why: she was listening and open when God prompted her to say what I needed to hear. I only hope I can be that attentive and obedient and make a difference in someone's life in the same way.